My brain says no but my pants say off.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
