it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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