so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize