Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
