I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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