Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
