i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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