I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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