I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
