I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
