What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
