Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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