I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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