Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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