I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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