apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
