I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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