i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
