I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
