My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
