Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
