I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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