My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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