Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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