Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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