I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
