So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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