I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
