i already hear my dad disowning me
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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