so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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