She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize