Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
