It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
