The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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