OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
