A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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