I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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