From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
