i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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