just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
