Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
