how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
