i can't believe i had my finger in that
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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