he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
