I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
