something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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