Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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