We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Randomize