Having a random hookup so left but love u
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize