i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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