Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
