Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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