I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
