So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
