You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
