All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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