I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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