last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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