good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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