I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
